she was so not down for the gang bang
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I came so hard my ears popped.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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