I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
