you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
smell my finger.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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