I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
