cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
