I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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