I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
