I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
