i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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