i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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