so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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