All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
