It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
