i was rollin on her like bob the builder
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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