just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
