laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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