walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize