I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
