I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
