U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
