The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
