We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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