You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
