You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
