If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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