my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Randomize