i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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