Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
and you fell through a lawn chair
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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