my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
