Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i drank out of a bidet.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
