Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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