the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
