He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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