before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
