I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
