remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
