just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
