I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
