I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize