I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
