his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
