my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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