Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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