two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
