It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
