I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
