I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My bed smells like the plague
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
