you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
