I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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