SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
