i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Life is so much better after having sex.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
