Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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