He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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