3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
