Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
