so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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