How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Randomize
