when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize