I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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