you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
